Did I give up on love

Just the other day someone told me I was wrong about love. I had said that I didn’t believe in love.. They said, “no you didn’t. You just realized that you didn’t believe in marriage. But deep down, you still hope it exists.”

They are right. In a fucked up way, I do. Many things have crossed my mind tonight and love has been in my face. Everywhere I look, I can see it. I just can’t feel it.

It’s that feeling I used to have when I was growing up in a Pentecostal church and everyone around me would be filled with the Holy Spirit jumping around and praising God in tongues. And I would close my eyes and pray and pray and pray.. And I would never receive it. Still to this day, I wonder if the Holy Spirit is truth. Or if everyone jumping around me like a fool was just kidding themselves. I’m skeptical because I never experienced it.

I am the same with love. I was so close to feeling it with my sons father that it still hurts and saddens me. I thought it was real. He was saving up to buy me a ring, and I fled. I couldn’t “marry” the idea of being with one person forever. Forever could be so long or so short in a lifetime. Nothing has changed my mind.

My heart seems to be a rest stop for men before they reach their destination. Never have I been the destination. I am always just a pit stop, a place to take rest, a place to rejuvenate the soul and then I’m left. Maybe they may visit again, but only for a little while for the bare necessities. Their love, effort, and time is spent with another lucky woman. (And I’m one case, a man.) this is why I have never believed in it… Because I have never fully experienced it like everyone around me.

What. The. Fuck.

If ever I experience it, maybe I may believe in love.. Again. But until that happens, I’ll remain cynical.

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4 thoughts on “Did I give up on love

  1. Okay I know this is a little off subject about u blogging about love. But u did mention about everyone else feeling the holy spirt but u didn’t. Fuck! I just wrote in my journal earlier this week about that same exact freaking thing & me feeling so alone about it. Then I end up reading ur blog entry right now & I can’t believe my eyes. That I am not alone but who has this same exist feeling. I have had so much shame,guilt,etec about this issue that I have issues with it to talk about it let alone think about it. So I just want u to know ur not only not alone not just not having faith in love but not having faith in God as well. I’m so mind fucked right now that I actually thought I was the only person. Anyway I just want u to know that but also I wanna say thank u so very much for being so honest & making me feel like I am not alone too. Ur blog entry’s seems to sometimes reflect on how I am or what I’ve gone through or even going thro at times we are a lot alike! So again thank u very much!!! =) “This too shall pass.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • The universe is so connected and that is very wild about the Holy Spirit thing… It was the first example I could think of that popped into my mind. I’ve never expressed it aloud, but it felt fitting for this particular situation. 🙂 tara [at] taratrinity [dot] com … Email me

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