Lately I have had some random occurrences. Too many coincidences. However, I learned long ago that coincidences don’t exist. Things are meant to happen that way. Everything is perfectly where it should be. It’s come to my attention I am much more mature than I once was. I know I know, that sounds so cliché, but it’s the damn truth.
I have matured. I am proud of it damn it.
Someone told me this evening that I have a PhD in emotional intelligence. Another person this evening said they believe I have tapped into my psychic intuition. And a last person told me I have such great energy.. Good, clean, positive energy. These are all signs that the universe has given me and shown me of my true growth. It wasn’t always like this.
Some nights in the past I would cry uncontrollably wondering when I was going to die. Other times I would slit my wrist just to let the pain out because I had no right words or actions to express the deep hurt that had manifested inside my truest being. During the day I painted a beautiful smile onto my face and wondered just how many people could see its transparency.
I am fortunate. Fortunate enough I had the ability and endurance to climb out of that dark tunnel and know that I was the light all along. Knowing that I have overcome such incredible emotional battles has left me with scars of wisdom. People seek me for advice and ask how they too can achieve peace. I don’t feel as though I am enlightened necessarily, but that’s how many see it. They voice to me that I have answers. And really, it’s just that I was one of the lucky survivors.
Technically, I should be dead. Overdosing on sixty pills of Xanax and surviving to tell the story is an accomplishment in itself. Yes, it’s a dark one, but many stories alike in my short thirty years of living have allowed me the emotional intelligence others speak of.
I looked at my son today and just smiled. He is a ray of light that I never wanted years ago. To have a child for me was asking for failure. But he is my biggest achievement when I look at him now. He taught me without knowing that I could love someone else fully and unconditionally. And he’s taught me how to love myself. There is no void anymore. There isn’t a deep pit wondering when the next crash is on deck. Instead, it’s just lessons learned.
Unexpectedly I met someone recently. Someone who understands what family means to me, what love means to me, and also what I mean to me. They don’t know me yet, especially this darker side. But I know that they will accept it well. I don’t expect anything wonderful to come out of the relationship, but I wouldn’t mind the world surprising me. I mean, life right now is all a whirlwind of surprises as I am still living..