Did I give up on love

Just the other day someone told me I was wrong about love. I had said that I didn’t believe in love.. They said, “no you didn’t. You just realized that you didn’t believe in marriage. But deep down, you still hope it exists.”

They are right. In a fucked up way, I do. Many things have crossed my mind tonight and love has been in my face. Everywhere I look, I can see it. I just can’t feel it.

It’s that feeling I used to have when I was growing up in a Pentecostal church and everyone around me would be filled with the Holy Spirit jumping around and praising God in tongues. And I would close my eyes and pray and pray and pray.. And I would never receive it. Still to this day, I wonder if the Holy Spirit is truth. Or if everyone jumping around me like a fool was just kidding themselves. I’m skeptical because I never experienced it.

I am the same with love. I was so close to feeling it with my sons father that it still hurts and saddens me. I thought it was real. He was saving up to buy me a ring, and I fled. I couldn’t “marry” the idea of being with one person forever. Forever could be so long or so short in a lifetime. Nothing has changed my mind.

My heart seems to be a rest stop for men before they reach their destination. Never have I been the destination. I am always just a pit stop, a place to take rest, a place to rejuvenate the soul and then I’m left. Maybe they may visit again, but only for a little while for the bare necessities. Their love, effort, and time is spent with another lucky woman. (And I’m one case, a man.) this is why I have never believed in it… Because I have never fully experienced it like everyone around me.

What. The. Fuck.

If ever I experience it, maybe I may believe in love.. Again. But until that happens, I’ll remain cynical.

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Fear lingers

My biggest fear in life isn’t death, divorce, spiders, or mountain lions. Nope. It’s falling into a deep depression. I know it may seem silly to most since “everyone goes through it” according to most. But those of you who knows why it’s like to live days, weeks, months, or even years with no joy or peace know what I’m referring to..

Knowing that I am prone to this darkness leads me to racing thoughts which lead me onto that path once again.

I am petrified..

Unexpected

Lately I have had some random occurrences. Too many coincidences. However, I learned long ago that coincidences don’t exist. Things are meant to happen that way. Everything is perfectly where it should be. It’s come to my attention I am much more mature than I once was. I know I know, that sounds so cliché, but it’s the damn truth.

I have matured. I am proud of it damn it.

Someone told me this evening that I have a PhD in emotional intelligence. Another person this evening said they believe I have tapped into my psychic intuition. And a last person told me I have such great energy.. Good, clean, positive energy. These are all signs that the universe has given me and shown me of my true growth. It wasn’t always like this.

Some nights in the past I would cry uncontrollably wondering when I was going to die. Other times I would slit my wrist just to let the pain out because I had no right words or actions to express the deep hurt that had manifested inside my truest being. During the day I painted a beautiful smile onto my face and wondered just how many people could see its transparency.

I am fortunate. Fortunate enough I had the ability and endurance to climb out of that dark tunnel and know that I was the light all along. Knowing that I have overcome such incredible emotional battles has left me with scars of wisdom. People seek me for advice and ask how they too can achieve peace. I don’t feel as though I am enlightened necessarily, but that’s how many see it. They voice to me that I have answers. And really, it’s just that I was one of the lucky survivors.

Technically, I should be dead. Overdosing on sixty pills of Xanax and surviving to tell the story is an accomplishment in itself. Yes, it’s a dark one, but many stories alike in my short thirty years of living have allowed me the emotional intelligence others speak of.

I looked at my son today and just smiled. He is a ray of light that I never wanted years ago. To have a child for me was asking for failure. But he is my biggest achievement when I look at him now. He taught me without knowing that I could love someone else fully and unconditionally. And he’s taught me how to love myself. There is no void anymore. There isn’t a deep pit wondering when the next crash is on deck. Instead, it’s just lessons learned.

Unexpectedly I met someone recently. Someone who understands what family means to me, what love means to me, and also what I mean to me. They don’t know me yet, especially this darker side. But I know that they will accept it well. I don’t expect anything wonderful to come out of the relationship, but I wouldn’t mind the world surprising me. I mean, life right now is all a whirlwind of surprises as I am still living..