Pretty on the outside, Damaged on the inside.

My mother told me tonight that she doesn’t think I have bipolar.

Three words.

What.

The.

Fuck?!

Just because you can’t physically see that someone is hurting doesn’t mean that they’re not. This saying could go true for just about anyone and I am so hurt. My oldest sister had a freak accident (I have yet to really talk about this and probably will hold off for as long as I possibly can) on my 30th birthday last year and everyone is coming to terms that her life is forever changed. It’s apparent (because it’s physical) that she is handicapped. For someone like me, with a mental illness, if you haven’t suffered in a similar way, everyone expects for you to heal because they can’t see it. So if I am smiling or have a good day, a good month, or a good year, I am fine. But that’s not true. Very far from it, in fact.

Denial.

To know that the person who loves me most in my life honestly believes that I am completely fine and don’t suffer pains me. How can my mother believe this to be true? She has known about most of my psych ward visits and all of the depression I have suffered, because I tell her. But because she can’t feel it or see it, it doesn’t exist. Not to her. She honestly thinks that because I live a somewhat normal life (granted, she lives over 200 miles away from me), I must be fine.

If someone like my mother believes I am okay, I wonder what most people think who know that I suffer. Probably most. They probably just feel as though I am emotionally high maintenance or that I am a complainer. I’m pretty exhausted at the moment and slightly on a high because for having a day where almost everything went wrong, something went very right towards the end…

I’ll continue this again at some point. There’s much more to be told. For now, I will accept the fact that my mother will never fully understand me. Three more words.

Fuck.

My.

Life.

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12 thoughts on “Pretty on the outside, Damaged on the inside.

    • My mother has sort of been hinting at this for years. But you have truth to it because she’s overwhelmed by my sister. But I think she’s comparing situations in that I have made progress but she also hasn’t been there for me either to truly know what I go through… Or to be honest cared in a way that mental illness is actually a disease.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I’m really sorry to hear that your mom feels this way, just what you need – NOT! (i’m new to following your blog, awesome BTW!) I often feel people don’t believe I have bipolar (I’ve become excellent at faking happiness, as nobody wants to be around depressed people),,,I could go on & on regarding all the social shit (let alone the fucked up shit that goes on in my very own mind every single day) i’m sooo sorry your own parent doesn’t believe you! HUGS!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. It can be heart breaking when your family or friends don’t understand. Just know that you’re better than her, you’re open minded and you would always be understanding to anyone that is suffering with their Mental Health. I think when it comes to family, their faults can help you – because it will make you never want to be like that. I’m sorry to hear what she said, it was out of order, remain strong and try not to let her bring you down, keep us updated.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks so much everyone for the outpouring love. I didn’t think I would receive comments on this post. But it goes to show me that there are so many out there who will show me their love. And its comforting to know that you all understand… Growing up in a Latino/Polynesian family we are taught to take the good, leave the bad… To be grateful and shut up. Expressing this frustration has been cathartic in so many regards that I now feel as though I have an online family. And makes me feel a lot less crazy.

      Like

  2. I’m really sorry to hear that your mom feels this way, just what you need – NOT! (i’m new to following your blog, awesome BTW!) I often feel people don’t believe I have bipolar (I’ve become excellent at faking happiness, as nobody wants to be around depressed people),,,I could go on & on regarding all the social shit (let alone the fucked up shit that goes on in my very own mind every single day) i’m sooo sorry your own parent doesn’t believe you! HUGS!

    Liked by 1 person

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