Something has been bothering me lately and I am not quite sure what it is. There has been a lot of trauma in the last six months to my life. Turning 30. Sister’s tragic accident. Grandmother (only grandparent I’ve ever been close to) dying. Finding new family. Dealing with the norms without having my sister to cope. Med changes. New job position. I mean, it’s a lot of changes and I have been “acting” really cool about it.
Today I was watching this movie of what I thought was going to be a romantic comedy and boom, she dies. A romantic comedy turned drama in an instant. Something triggered emotions inside of me and I lost it. I was hysterically crying. And I just let it go. I needed it. Like what the fucking fuck!? Who loses it while watching an Anne Hathway flick? Answer: me.
I imagine I have been holding a lot inside of me, and it’s natural to just have it all surface at once. My own emotions ambushed me and it wasn’t pretty. My eyes were bloodshot and swollen and usually I feel better after a good cry. But I didn’t. It was one of those I wouldn’t be able to talk kind of cries that occurred. I think I have been letting a lot of feelings build up inside of me.
One thing that has happened is my love life. It’s non-existent; I’ve been so focused on my music.
Today is one of those snow days where you get stuck inside, a surprise blizzard per se, and for me… it gives me time to think. The worst place for me is an idle mind.. its’ the devil’s playground, and it’s not pretty. No matter how much I tell myself how much I don’t need a relationship (because I’m not good at them) or how much I don’t want to be in love, I suck at it. I want so much to be in love. I have fucked up so many of my romantic relationships, whether they ended because I did it or because they did it – I am terrible at it. I’ve only been truly in love once and now in hindsight, i realize it was mostly my fault.
As someone who has bipolar disorder, you are emotionally high maintenance. It’s up to the other person in the relationship on whether or not they are tolerant enough to handle your craziness. I was needy when I was depressed, I was bossy when I was manic, I was all over the place when I was in a mixed episode, and when I was having a panic attack – the last resort was to commit suicide. I mean, who in their right mind can be with someone like that?
I realized that I was crying because I feel unworthy to be loved. Is it true? Who knows, it’s probably the depression talking. Apparently there’s someone for everyone – but I need someone who is going to be able to handle my lows. My highs and my middle-ground is great, my lows aren’t that often. But when they’re there, they must be scary for the other person.
So many crossroads in my life at the moment and I’m unsure of how to handle them all. The old Trinity would just go head first and not look. But now, I have a lot at stake. I treasure my relationships with others, and that means I need to think of what’s best not only for myself, but for everyone else as well, in the long run.
I am frightened. I wish I could force myself to cry. I wish that after I cried I would feel better. But I don’t. My fears and emotions are buried underneath a huge ass pile of shit. It wasn’t the best snow day. If I could, I would just cry myself to sleep.