Cleanliness is Next to Stability.

You ever have days where you’re not quite sure if you’ll be able to survive? I have those days–they are all too familiar. And I’m going through one right now.

My mind goes to a dark place where I come to the realization that I have buried myself so deep down into a hole that I won’t be able to come out. Maybe if I ignore the problems and the situations, they’ll go away. I know that doesn’t happen, but it’s a nice thought anyway.

Today was not the best day for it to come because I was ready to push myself to go into work. However, Kai was up at 3am with a dry cough. After the fourth snooze this morning at 7am I woke up only to find my son with a fever. His lethargic 5-year old body hasn’t eaten much and the most we did was go to CVS to buy some medicine and miscellaneous “necessities” for when he is sick.

To top it all off, we may be snowbound after tonight.

I called his father frantically while I was on the verge of having a panic attack after I made one of my notorious “lists” and he was of no help. Instead he offered his own dispute with “We all have our own problems! My car is on its last leg!” With that, I hung up and decided there is no use.

I set an alarm, took an hour nap, and sent out a few work e-mails. How unaccomplished I feel. FUCK!!!! Can I ever get a damn day off!? Even on this unexpected “day off” I still have a huge burden I am carrying around. Tending to my son during his sick day is going to inevitably make me sick with depression. So the only way I know how to get rid of it… not with music, not with milkshakes, not with talking to a friend, not with paying off some more debt… is to clean.

The feeling after I clean is as if everything is organized and neat. Maybe it’s the Virgo in me, maybe it’s the fact that my mother and every other person in my immediate family is a neat freak, or maybe it’s nesting. Whatever the hell it is, like Radiohead, I prefer everything in its right place. Sometimes I feel like one of those pin-up french maids and that always brings a wrinkle to my cheeks.

I’m on Day 21 of quitting smoking at the moment. The head is about to explode with fury. I have been even more irritable. But that’s ok because I just dumped out all of my drawers, took out my laundry card, fumbled over about eight garbage bags, and put on cleaning clothes. I’m ready to get my mood up. Hopefully Kai will sleep through at least an hour of it so I can get even more accomplished before his tornado-self whirls into the living room.

Let me go clean now… As for me, cleanliness is next to godliness stability.

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