Naturally, I push men away.
People always inquire what the reason for having this immature behavior? Most simple answer–I’m protecting myself. From what, you might ask? From having my son being heart-broken. I sit here late on a Monday night, after performing in five straight shows at the casino today, exhausted. And all I can do is be hard on myself. Now, as I’ve learned, I will come to my blog to tell it exactly how it is..
I decided recently that I am finished. Finito. Terminada. Throwing in the towel like Apollo Creed should have done. When I was dating, I was basically setting myself up for failure and constant disappointments. Being the optimist that I am, I thought maybe I would actually meet a guy (a man) who could handle that I have a child. After countless failed attempts at dating, I am more of a cynical realist. I don’t believe in soulmates. Just great chemistry you can have with someone and if you share enough intimate moments before you just get to know each other well, you may fall in love because your timing is right. Someone who was ready for you and you for them.
Just the other night, it happened. I was out on a Saturday night when I bumped into a familiar face who I never met in person, rather on some online dating app. We exchanged a few smiles and I couldn’t stop. The entire night I kept reminding myself that this wasn’t real. He wasn’t interested in me. But his body language and his pearly whites kept revealing themselves onto me. Deep down inside where that hope used to lie, it started to bud again. We had a few exchanges where our lips spoke to each other’s lips. Nothing heated. As the evening grew to a close, we texted until we fell asleep, but my gut tells me I’ll never hear from him again. Nights such as these are few and far between, but in the end I never hear from them ever again.
I began racking my brain a few months ago about this. Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I be more average? Maybe it’s my religion. Or my hair.. my mom was right–guys don’t like my short hair. Possibly it’s because my job isn’t as reputable as most in the DC area. There’s a chance they think my music sucks. Countless superficial surface reasons, until one day my guitarist said, “I could never date a woman with a child. I mean, that’s a really big deal.”
I went home that night and cried. He was right. How did I never see that as the reason? Most likely because my son is my life and the reason I am who I am. The main motivation in my life and my spirit. The solution to all of my life’s problems. He is my foundation. But the average Joe isn’t going to see that. He won’t know that. He has no clue what I’ve been through. He just sees a pretty girl for the night to hang with who has a child. No future there.
Struggling with this often, I have now given up on dating. The men I’m not interested in love me and ask me to marry them. The men I have great chemistry with aren’t quite mature enough to handle my having a son.
I am not necessarily assuming most of this as it may seem. When my ex-boyfriend left me he told me that I wasn’t part of his plan. Dating a woman with a child wasn’t what he was ready for. He said it was all too real. He wanted to be settled down by age 32. I wasn’t that person. No matter how much truth there is to that statement and the hell he was saving me in our non-existent future. It fucking hurt. Bad.
So I wrote this song.