Having a floor and a ceiling is the best I can do for my mood swings as bipolar is still not a curable disease. That’s what we all strive for–stability. Well, attainable stability, that is. However, controlling my moods or outbursts are not as easy for me as they are for most. I mean sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but all I can do is grab the nearest pillow and scream about 50% of my actual potential with my dynamic vocal chords, and dig my nails into its backside.
The problem with medication is finding the right cocktail. There’s a struggle to find that perfect balance of what works, especially when you’re throwing added stress, weather changes, traveling mania, and hormones into the mix. Always work to be done getting the dosages on point. Nothing is perfect in medication.
However, taking more vitamins, exercising only the right amount (because if you exercise too much that can throw you into a state of mania or hypomania–even more dangerous), not eating like shit, blah blah blah.. The list is endless. It totally fucking blows.
Most people don’t “understand” what bipolar is in the first place. They think if someone has drastic mood changes, then they’re “bipolar”. I hate how often people throw the words “bipolar” and “crazy” around. If people were more conscious about it like they are with a word like “retard”. Thank goodness I’m over being too sensitive about it. Because people constantly will say, “My boss is such a bitch. She’s totally bipolar. One minute she’s happy and the next, she’s totally insane. Ugh. She needs to go to the loony bin.”
Statements such as those can be tough to hear, not because my feelings are hurt, but because I instantly want to defend all those who suffer from a mental illness and advocate for not categorizing others who you just don’t like their daily attitudes with us! Our problem is real and a chemical imbalance. It’s not just something we can control. People take abnormalities like diabetes and heart disease seriously. What’s different about bipolar and schizophrenia?
Something I struggle with the entire stability goal is once I reach it and I’m at a good state of mind, there’s only one word to describe it. BORING. For many years I was accustomed to the ups and downs. I became dependent upon my own personal life drama. I accepted the madness. Once I began to learn the cues and signs of the arising episode, I started approaching them differently. And there birthed stability. But damn, did I become nostalgic for the brilliant insanity!
At different points in my illness I came to love the “crazy” so to speak. I knew I had a choice to make once I had my son. I chose to love him as best as I could. And with him, the motivation to create music really rang. But some days I have an itch for the old Tara. The one who could snap her fingers and had energy for days upon end when she needed it. What I don’t miss are the crashes. I do miss the attention I received for my lack of maturity whenever I would helplessly lean on self-mutilation as a solution. I don’t miss the scars.
I guess there are demons inside of me. Will I be able to fight them ever? Properly?
Here’s a song I wrote that most think is about indecisive love. But really, it’s about my life.. and how I couldn’t decide whether or not I wanted to stay alive. It’s one of the first songs I wrote and this is me and my band covering it. Click here to listen.