Did I give up on love

Just the other day someone told me I was wrong about love. I had said that I didn’t believe in love.. They said, “no you didn’t. You just realized that you didn’t believe in marriage. But deep down, you still hope it exists.”

They are right. In a fucked up way, I do. Many things have crossed my mind tonight and love has been in my face. Everywhere I look, I can see it. I just can’t feel it.

It’s that feeling I used to have when I was growing up in a Pentecostal church and everyone around me would be filled with the Holy Spirit jumping around and praising God in tongues. And I would close my eyes and pray and pray and pray.. And I would never receive it. Still to this day, I wonder if the Holy Spirit is truth. Or if everyone jumping around me like a fool was just kidding themselves. I’m skeptical because I never experienced it.

I am the same with love. I was so close to feeling it with my sons father that it still hurts and saddens me. I thought it was real. He was saving up to buy me a ring, and I fled. I couldn’t “marry” the idea of being with one person forever. Forever could be so long or so short in a lifetime. Nothing has changed my mind.

My heart seems to be a rest stop for men before they reach their destination. Never have I been the destination. I am always just a pit stop, a place to take rest, a place to rejuvenate the soul and then I’m left. Maybe they may visit again, but only for a little while for the bare necessities. Their love, effort, and time is spent with another lucky woman. (And I’m one case, a man.) this is why I have never believed in it… Because I have never fully experienced it like everyone around me.

What. The. Fuck.

If ever I experience it, maybe I may believe in love.. Again. But until that happens, I’ll remain cynical.

Fear lingers

My biggest fear in life isn’t death, divorce, spiders, or mountain lions. Nope. It’s falling into a deep depression. I know it may seem silly to most since “everyone goes through it” according to most. But those of you who knows why it’s like to live days, weeks, months, or even years with no joy or peace know what I’m referring to..

Knowing that I am prone to this darkness leads me to racing thoughts which lead me onto that path once again.

I am petrified..


Lately I have had some random occurrences. Too many coincidences. However, I learned long ago that coincidences don’t exist. Things are meant to happen that way. Everything is perfectly where it should be. It’s come to my attention I am much more mature than I once was. I know I know, that sounds so cliché, but it’s the damn truth.

I have matured. I am proud of it damn it.

Someone told me this evening that I have a PhD in emotional intelligence. Another person this evening said they believe I have tapped into my psychic intuition. And a last person told me I have such great energy.. Good, clean, positive energy. These are all signs that the universe has given me and shown me of my true growth. It wasn’t always like this.

Some nights in the past I would cry uncontrollably wondering when I was going to die. Other times I would slit my wrist just to let the pain out because I had no right words or actions to express the deep hurt that had manifested inside my truest being. During the day I painted a beautiful smile onto my face and wondered just how many people could see its transparency.

I am fortunate. Fortunate enough I had the ability and endurance to climb out of that dark tunnel and know that I was the light all along. Knowing that I have overcome such incredible emotional battles has left me with scars of wisdom. People seek me for advice and ask how they too can achieve peace. I don’t feel as though I am enlightened necessarily, but that’s how many see it. They voice to me that I have answers. And really, it’s just that I was one of the lucky survivors.

Technically, I should be dead. Overdosing on sixty pills of Xanax and surviving to tell the story is an accomplishment in itself. Yes, it’s a dark one, but many stories alike in my short thirty years of living have allowed me the emotional intelligence others speak of.

I looked at my son today and just smiled. He is a ray of light that I never wanted years ago. To have a child for me was asking for failure. But he is my biggest achievement when I look at him now. He taught me without knowing that I could love someone else fully and unconditionally. And he’s taught me how to love myself. There is no void anymore. There isn’t a deep pit wondering when the next crash is on deck. Instead, it’s just lessons learned.

Unexpectedly I met someone recently. Someone who understands what family means to me, what love means to me, and also what I mean to me. They don’t know me yet, especially this darker side. But I know that they will accept it well. I don’t expect anything wonderful to come out of the relationship, but I wouldn’t mind the world surprising me. I mean, life right now is all a whirlwind of surprises as I am still living..

Organized religion can go to hell

Growing up in Organized religions like Christianity or Catholicism is so damaging… Especially for us who are mentally ill.

Why? Because it teaches us to have blind fucking faith instead of facing the issues in a healthy way. Whenever my bp acted up I remember people telling me to have faith and I just needed to pray more and seek Jesus. What a load of shit.

It’s one thing to have faith and know there’s a higher power that is inside of you and supports you. Something bigger than us that can help us see logic in most things and help us find reason and understanding in suffering. But it’s another to never deal with your emotional baggage and throw it under the rug to just leave it because it’ll work out.

Those types of habits permeate the rest of our actions and screw us up.

Sorry I’m venting. I have a lot more to say but I should get some sleep.

Celebrating Singlehood and Reclaiming the Word ‘Spinster’

It’s been a while since I’ve written and I need to come on here.. but the universe is definitely speaking to me. Because THIS has been what’s on my mind.

I visited an astrologist a few years back after recently having my heart broken. And she told me that it was written for me to accomplish much greatness in my life, that men would always continue to fall at my feet, but I would never find true romance in this lifetime. She said that men took my chi and that I would not be as successful in my talent of music if I chose the path to try to fall in love. I was very sad in hearing this, but in the last few years I have realized that she is right. And the universe almost blocks me from ever working out with a man. Of course, I write my story each day… However, I have now made the conscious choice of having intimate relations when I so choose, but do not look in “settling” down. Ever. I want to live my life easy and free, not grow old with anyone but myself and my son.. And that’s the decision I have made.

I will buy this book TODAY. And love how there are other women out there who choose to live the same.


Jessica Gross | Longreads | April 2015 | 19 minutes (4,797 words)

In 2011, Kate Bolick charted the sea change in our cultural attitudes toward marriage in her Atlantic piece, “All the Single Ladies.” Interweaving personal experience—she was 39 and single at the time—with reporting, Bolick posited that we are marrying later or not at all, with many women exercising their ability to have children without partners or, again, not at all.

The piece generated a huge response. In Bolick’s new book, Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own, she approaches single adulthood from a slightly different angle. The book is part memoir: Bolick describes breaking away from a serious, cohabitating relationship in her late twenties, exploring her ambivalence about partnership, and wholly reconsidering her view of marriage. Along the way, she presents the stories of her five “awakeners,” the historical single women who shaped her…

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