Just the other day someone told me I was wrong about love. I had said that I didn’t believe in love.. They said, “no you didn’t. You just realized that you didn’t believe in marriage. But deep down, you still hope it exists.”
They are right. In a fucked up way, I do. Many things have crossed my mind tonight and love has been in my face. Everywhere I look, I can see it. I just can’t feel it.
It’s that feeling I used to have when I was growing up in a Pentecostal church and everyone around me would be filled with the Holy Spirit jumping around and praising God in tongues. And I would close my eyes and pray and pray and pray.. And I would never receive it. Still to this day, I wonder if the Holy Spirit is truth. Or if everyone jumping around me like a fool was just kidding themselves. I’m skeptical because I never experienced it.
I am the same with love. I was so close to feeling it with my sons father that it still hurts and saddens me. I thought it was real. He was saving up to buy me a ring, and I fled. I couldn’t “marry” the idea of being with one person forever. Forever could be so long or so short in a lifetime. Nothing has changed my mind.
My heart seems to be a rest stop for men before they reach their destination. Never have I been the destination. I am always just a pit stop, a place to take rest, a place to rejuvenate the soul and then I’m left. Maybe they may visit again, but only for a little while for the bare necessities. Their love, effort, and time is spent with another lucky woman. (And I’m one case, a man.) this is why I have never believed in it… Because I have never fully experienced it like everyone around me.
What. The. Fuck.
If ever I experience it, maybe I may believe in love.. Again. But until that happens, I’ll remain cynical.